We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Randomize
