there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
