My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse