the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
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The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
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I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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