im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Randomize
