Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
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