Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Drake has all the answers
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
