im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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