I don't usually arrange sex via text message
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
