I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
