Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
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