census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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