Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
