Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
