giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
