I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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