so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
