someone get that fucking seahorse.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
