I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Randomize
