Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
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