No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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