you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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