the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
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