My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Randomize
