Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
