woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I wish you could order shots online.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
