Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Randomize
