just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
