he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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