Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Randomize
