my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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