i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
i came on her dog
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
