There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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