Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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