Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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