Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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