I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
