Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize