ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
