i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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