We won't sleep together?
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
