i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
