I could make wine with my vomit
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
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