I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
