we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Randomize
