i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
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The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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