Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
He passed out mid-signature
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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