bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Come share oat with me in your robe
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
