got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
All the doctor said was why
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
