my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
