his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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