So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Someone shit on the floor
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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