if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
well I can't set my house on fire every night
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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