im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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